I used to frequent the (now-defunct) PRS Gear Page, a bulletin board for PRS guitar owners and guitarists in general. Some of the threads on that page seemed pretty funny to me, whether they were a result of naïve curiosity, arrogance, or just general obliviousness. Style, tone, and musical preference are really just a matter of taste; there are no objective measures of quality or relative superiority, but not everyone seemed capable of realizing that. As a lark, I decided to hijack some of their varied viewpoints and arguments, substituting food topics in the place of tone and style. I found it hilarious, but maybe that’s just me. I guess there’s no objective yardstick for humor, either…
Here’s my first whack at it:
I’m thinking of posting the following on the alt.food.gourmet newsgroup, or maybe epicurious.com:
I have been eating all of my life but I am preparing to get serious about my meals. Can someone please tell me what the best kind of food is to eat and also where would be the best place to get that food. I’m not interested in beans and hash I want the very best food that I can eat.
I have been eating steak for many years. Steak is good, and I like steak a lot, but lately everyone has been talking about lobster and I am thinking of giving up steak and getting myself some lobster. Can someone please tell me what I might expect as a steak eater when I switch to lobster (for instance, how it tastes different and someone also mentioned that it has a different kind of “texture” than steak though I’ve also heard it’s kind of the same.) Also I keep reading about Maine lobsters and how some say they are the best lobsters but others are saying that your basic lobster is just as good. Do tails taste like claws? Should I get melted butter?
I don’t care what all of the rest of you say; oatmeal is the best food there is. I have tried many other kinds of food, sometimes back-to-back with my oatmeal, and oatmeal simply slays them all. It’s got texture, it’s good for you, it is a plant food (and plant foods are very important – nobody who is serious about eating would even consider eating animal-based foods), and it just plain tastes and chews perfectly. And there is one brand of oatmeal that is absolutely the best because they only use stone rollers to process their oats. I cannot see for the life of me how anyone could take a plant-based beautiful food like oatmeal and ruin it by allowing it to touch something unnatural and man-made like stainless steel. Oh, and take my word for it: don’t eat it out of a porcelain bowl, either – I have a hand-carved marble bowl that doesn’t impart any kiln poison to my delicious oatmeal. Some of you may care to disagree, but I’ve been eating food for 44 years now and I think I know a thing or two about food and eating.